Chris, I'm sure that in the past few weeks since your graduating, damn near everyone you've talked to has tried to give you advice. "Aim for the best opportunity, not the best salary." "Follow your passion." "Always spit on it before you try the Mario Golf sneak attack." Don't listen to these assholes. I've got some advice for you, and it's the only advice you'll hear that matters. You'll never be smarter than you are right now. You know all those mathematical theorems, philosophical arguments and historical facts that are filling your brain right now? It's only a matter of time until it's all gone. I wrote 20 page papers on conflicting arguments among the founding fathers about the merits of federalism versus anti-federalism in college. Today, I had to check Wikipedia because I couldn't remember who said "Give me liberty or give me death." Next up, leaving for work with no pants and drooling on my keyboard once I get there. Why do you think old people can't figure out how to use their TV remotes or use a computer? These are the people who invented the nuclear bomb and fought off the Nazis and yet they are constantly crashing their cars through farmer's markets. Enjoy ...

Stolen from my friend Justin, who I'm sure stole it from someone else. 1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the ...

Image via Wikipedia Bogey: ok so, I need clarification on something. Me: ok Bogey: this is about guys: is it true (and I've been told this by several guys) that if you're going to use the urinal, you need to have at least one urinal between yourself and the guy next to you? Me: yes, absolutely Me: that's why, if you go into a restroom and there is nobody at the urinal, you always use the one on the end Bogey: ahh Bogey: right Me: because that ensures that if it fills up, you only have to pee next to one guy and not two Bogey: now what if the urinals are full? is that when it is appropriate to use the stall? because some of my friends have told me that if you DO use a stall, you have to give up some of your man card. Me: naw, if all the urinals are full, it's ok Bogey: haha ok Me: but that's only if the urinals are all full Me: your friends are right, if there are urinals open, but you go into the stall, you get the corner cut off of your man card Bogey: hahaha Bogey: but see, Ryan has told me exceptions of the rule...like in places you can't help. ...

Image via Wikipedia Earlier this afternoon a co-worker of mine sent around a link to a Craigslist ad posted by another former co-worker of ours. It was epic. On the unintentional hilarity scale it was a 12 out of 10. One of my co-workers even blamed me for the ad, thinking I had written it. I guess I should take it as a compliment, although I don't think I could ever be that clever. Anyway, in the ad she mentions that she is looking for a meaty, lumberjack-type, so I decided — and I have no idea how I come up with these things — that it'd be funny to pen a fake response as if it was written by captured al Qadea leader Khalid Sheik Mohammed from his cell at Guantanamo Bay. I've quoted the ad below, but if you don't feel like doing all the scrolling, here's a link. Click here. Here's the original ad from Craigslist: I’m sick of going to bars and meeting guys. If you qualify and are interested send me a picture and a little about yourself. I’ll decide if you get a response and a picture because I’m sick of you and your gender disappointing me all the time. ...

The wife and I were watching LOST yesterday and saw this commercial. It took me until the end to realize what they were trying to sell and as a result, how freaking brilliant this commercial is. Check it out. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAk77Kr_OwQ&w=300&h=242]

This really happened... A co-worker of mine was in some far-flung place showing people how to push buttons and happened to be staying in a hotel full of athletes in town for the Special Olympics. As he was in the lobby getting breakfast and preparing to head in to the office — wearing a shirt-and-tie and a backpack — one of the athletes walked up to him and asked "Which events are you competing in?"

Thinking back on my time in Oklahoma, I'm convinced that my boss took a liking to messing with me. I was always astonished at his crazy sayings such as "I was madder than a badger in a pillowcase." These sayings didn't seem to make sense, yet with his southern drawl, they rolled off his tongue and sounded natural. So the other day, when I was going to say something to a friend I knew she wasn't going to like hearing, I said "I don't mean to piss in your oatmeal, but..." and she thought it was strange. I picked up quite a bit of these while living down there, and having moved all over the country, foreign speech patterns like that seem to come to me easily. In recognition of that, here's a list of my favorites and an explanation of what they mean, just so you don't seem so baffled when I hit you with one. These guys are uglier than a pig with three assholes. Madder than a badger in a pillow case: One of my favorite professors at EMU, Dr. Grady (who was the epitome of the Southern gentleman) said this was a contrived saying as badgers are obviously ...