I’m sure that in the past few weeks since your graduating, damn near everyone you’ve talked to has tried to give you advice.

“Aim for the best opportunity, not the best salary.”

“Follow your passion.”

“Always spit on it before you try the Mario Golf sneak attack.”

Don’t listen to these assholes. I’ve got some advice for you, and it’s the only advice you’ll hear that matters.

You’ll never be smarter than you are right now. You know all those mathematical theorems, philosophical arguments and historical facts that are filling your brain right now? It’s only a matter of time until it’s all gone. I wrote 20 page papers on conflicting arguments among the founding fathers about the merits of federalism versus anti-federalism in college. Today, I had to check Wikipedia because I couldn’t remember who said “Give me liberty or give me death.” Next up, leaving for work with no pants and drooling on my keyboard once I get there.

Why do you think old people can’t figure out how to use their TV remotes or use a computer? These are the people who invented the nuclear bomb and fought off the Nazis and yet they are constantly crashing their cars through farmer’s markets. Enjoy all that knowledge now, because soon it will be gone, replaced with an comprehensive knowledge of when the “early bird specials” start at the Big Boy.

So here’s my advice. Find a job that is challenging and rewarding. It took me years to land in a place that I find satisfying. You could come home to a blow job and a home cooked meal every day and it still wouldn’t make up for having to slog through a boring, mindless job day-after-day like some ridiculous automaton in a cube whose only respite is the few minutes he can escape each afternoon to eat a sandwich and watch a funny video of a kid getting hit in the nuts by a baseball/golf club/baby’s fist/halibut on YouTube. I’ve been there, man, it’s brutal.

So Chris, good luck, we wish you all the best. We know you’ll do great in whatever you choose.

We used to work with a large, socially-awkward, lumberjack looking fellow from the U.P. who we called Eggs. He had a crush on another of my co-workers, we’ll call her Pocahontas because she’s Indian (dots, not feathers). He expressed it in a junior high schoolboy, Pedobear kind of way.

Anyway, as a joke on Pocahontas, we wrote a fake love letter, Photoshopped an engagement picture and sent it to her via a fake e-mail address. The letter is below:

My dearest Pocahontas,

Please forgive the impersonal nature of sending such an important message via e-mail, for it’s quite urgent. I decided that the immediacy of the Internet mixed with my fear that if I hand wrote this, the extremely heartfelt sentiment and feelings would be lost in the illegible abyss of the chicken scratch that is my handwriting necessitated its delivery in this manner. It’s so important that you understand and take to heart each word I write, because this truly comes from the depth of my soul.

It’s been quite some time since we’ve talked, and yet my heart aches more with each passing day. Our time together was so fleeting, though it seems like just yesterday we were sharing a laugh over a beer at Club Baseview. When I close my eyes, I can still see your beautiful smile, like the brightest stars in the north Punjab sky. It’s a vision that, no matter how hard I try, will never go away.

I must confess that I’ve found someone new, a woman who makes me happy and is good for me in so many ways. She’s incredible, and because I’m scared that the chances of me finding someone so wonderful are limited, I’ve decided I can’t pass this opportunity up. My beautiful Pocahontas, we’ve decided to get married.

I know it’s a huge step, and yet I still have this feeling like she’s not truly the one for me. That special place in my heart is reserved for you. Say the word, my dearest Pocahontas, and I’d give it all up this very second — my fiance’, my job at the landfill — anything you want, I’d do it for you.

I know this must all come as a surprise to you, finding out that I have feelings for you like this. I know that I should have said something when we were together. I know that the odds of me being with someone as amazing as you are worse than a possum’s in a grizzly bear fight. I know this is nothing more than the desperate plea of a man in love, but I just had to get this off of my chest before I resign myself to a life of contentment masked as domestic bliss.

I fear, my radiant Pocahontas, that my fiance’ is the one for me, but that you are the RIGHT ONE for me. A man only gets a chance like this once in a lifetime, to tell the woman he loves how he feels and hopes, just prays, that she feels the same way. I’m sure you don’t, I’m sure that this is nothing more than some Sisyphusian task in futility, but I’d live for 1,000 years and still never get over the pain of regret if I didn’t tell you somehow.

I don’t know what to expect from this. I’m almost certain that you’ll hide this away from everyone, relegating this letter to the trash bin or shredder and the memory of it to your darkest nightmares. Yet there’s a thin glimmer of hope, if only in my most sublime dreams, that you’ll somehow show up on my doorstep and we’ll run away, and live happily ever after. It’s a fairytale, to be sure, and I know it won’t happen. At least now you know what’s in my heart, and I’ll always have that dream. It’s a dream that will keep me looking over my shoulder always, hoping you’ll be there.

Forever yours,

Eggs

P.S. I hope it’s not too forward of me, but I took the liberty of using Photoshop to put the two of us together based on a picture I found of you on Facebook, just so I can imagine how happy the two of us would look together.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCBczUzEb1A&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1]

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Reflecting back on memories of my grandmother, one thing really stood out: As a child I knew and loved her very much, but I don’t think I ever really knew a whole lot about her outside of what I could cull from our brief visits a couple times each year. I don’t know if it was just me being a kid, letting her concentrate on me rather than me on her, or if it was just that she was a fairly private person.

It wasn’t until I was in college and had to do an assignment for a journalism class that I decided to talk to her, to interview her and really find out who she was.

We spent hours on the phone, and for the first time we just talked about her. Among other things, she told me about how she used to ride the streetcars to Briggs Stadium to watch the Tigers. I’d never known that we shared the joy and agony that comes with being a Tigers fan.

She also told me about how she loved to travel, and what a wonderful time she had visiting us as we moved around the country.

“You’ll have to move somewhere interesting when you graduate,” she said. “So I can come visit you.”

Unfortunately for her, I ended up moving to Oklahoma. She never did come visit.

It wasn’t just the happy memories that she shared with me though. she told me about the rough times too. And after our discussion, all of the memories — good and bad — gave me a clearer picture of the woman I’d thought I’d known all those years.

It seemed like we were on the phone forever that night, and for the first time, I saw Joyce Novak not just as the kindly grandmother who could always be counted on to have candy out when you visited — though she surely was that too — but rather as the complete person she truly was: A hard-working businesswoman, an adventurer, a kind and concerned boss, a sports fan and a loving mother and grandmother.

I’d always loved my grandma, but after that discussion that day I felt so much closer to her and developed a genuine admiration for all that she was. I truly cherish that time we spent together that day, and the many times before and since. I hope that she knew how much all of that time meant to me. She was an amazing woman, and I thank God I got the opportunity to know her.

RS: How about Alexi?
KS: No.
RS: Pavel?
KS: No, all Russian names are off limits.
RS: How about Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris Novak.
KS: No!!!
RS: That’s probably for the best, don’t want our baby roundhouse kicking his way out of the womb. What about Steve Yzerman or Joe Montana? Steve Yzerman Novak sounds pretty good.
KS: No, no sports figures.
RS: Well then, what do you suggest?
KS: I’ve always liked Cameron. We could call him Cam.
RS: Sweet! Cam Neely was a great hockey player for the Bruins, I’m cool with that.
KS: *sigh*

In all seriousness, we’re trying to find a name we both find suitable, that has meaning, and that won’t get our little boy or girl’s ass kicked at the bike rack after school. I think we’ve settled on a name should it be a girl, but the boy’s name is a work in progress.

It’s tough though, you know? I mean, it’s like, we’re deciding what this person is going to be called for the rest of his or her life. It’s a lot of pressure, because we want our child to be unique, but we’re definitely not interested in going the Jason Lee route and naming him or her Pilot Inspector.

1. I started dating an amazing woman, KS, at the very end of August. I’ll spare you the lovey-dovey gush gush stuff. Suffice it to say, she’s the best.

2. I lost my job last June. In the interim, I’ve been designing Web sites occasionally, as well as doing other work when I can get it to make ends meet. Yesterday was the drop dead date as far as the job hunt goes, so it looks like I’ll be waiting tables sooner rather than later.

3. My aunt had a stroke (to go on top of another stroke she had last year), had complications with her medication that created blood clots in a foot which she later had amputated, seemed to recover and then finished out the year with a debilitating stroke from which she’s not going to come back. Say a little prayer for her and my uncle, won’t you?

4. I moved into the WSJP ranch with Chach and J. last April. It’s been a great time so far, although the basement smells a little bit from the dog.

5. Hockey continued unabated. The Rebels (in W. Bloomfield) made two championship games in a row while the American Eagles went on a 37-game undefeated streak that included two league championships in Canton.

6. The Year of the Gun Part I gave way to the Year of the Gun Part II with an epic gun battle at the WSJP ranch that included one team storming the house and later, nearly 1,200 rounds being fired back and forth in my kitchen. It also featured the debut of my hockey helmet, otherwise known as the “Wuss Gaurd” (no, I didn’t spell it wrong, Chach did when he put the label on the helmet.)

7. Two words: Scrunchie Girl. If you don’t know the story, don’t be afraid to ask.

So yeah, there was 2005 in a nutshell. Hope to see you in 2006!

In fact, your still skating by on your looks and charm. Nothing wrong with that!

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

…

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 34% on Rationality You scored higher than 96% on Extroversion You scored higher than 70% on Brutality You scored higher than 92% on Arrogance