For lack of anything else to do in Norwalk, Conn., Schreiber and I went to Norwalk’s top tourist attraction (according to tripadvisor.com): Stew Leonard’s dairy store. Apparently once featured in Ripley’s Believe It or Not, it is the country’s biggest dairy store. I’m not quite sure what that means, but it was a shopping trip to be remembered.

We kind of scoffed when a search of things to do in Norwalk brought this up, but shit, we had to go grocery shopping anyway, so we figured we may as well do it some place interesting. Honestly though, interesting doesn’t really do it justice. If the folks who run Chuck E. Cheese built a grocery store, it would be Stew Leonard’s. Intense is the only way to describe it.

The path through Stew Leonard’s reminds me of IKEA, winding purposefully from department-to-department. It was kind of nice to avoid the awkward hokey-pokey you do with your cart when you nearly run into a distracted mother at the end of each aisle. Everybody was walking in the same direction and if they needed something, they’d just pull over to the side and grab it.

The controlled traffic flow also ensures that you get to see every attraction Stew Leonard throws at you, from the band of milk cartons to the talking broccoli and the overall-wearing, anthropomorphic pig trapeze artists swinging from the rafters. It sounds funny to say, but the people who worked there seemed as happy as their mechanical counterparts, well, with one exception, but I’m sure that his fleeting grumpiness was my doing.

I’m sure he’s usually nice, but you see, there’s this robot cow in the dairy department with a big, blinking, bright, red button on its chest. No kid could possibly resist it, so when they stand on their tippy toes, stretch their little arms as far as they can and finally get their their sticky little hands up there, they are rewarded with a bellowing MOOOOOOOO from the cow that seems to shake the shelves. This poor bastard must hear that cow moo hundreds of times a day. It must haunt his dreams. I can only imagine Santa bringing his kid the barnyard version of the See N’ Say and him getting so pissed off that he throws it through the window and out into a snow bank. WHAT DOES THE COW SAY NOW? HUH? DAMMIT!

But I digress. Where were we? Oh yeah, the button. So I thought about not pressing it for a second, but the kid in me couldn’t resist the draw of something so bright, shiny and, well, blinky. I just had to push the button and when I did, and the cow let out that MOOOOOOOOO, I had to push it again. If I were that guy stocking the shelf, I might have tried to run me over with the cart he was wheeling all those milk cartons around on, but to his credit, he just gave me a dirty look. That man deserves all the credit in the world for controlling his rage, he’s a far better man than I.

After annoying the guy stocking the shelves, Schreiber and I had to stop and take a moment to look at the dairy department. You can watch milk cartons being filled and see the cows that provide the moo juice on closed circuit tv. I’m glad they didn’t have a similar set up in the deli.

All the theatrics aside, they have a pretty good selection of fresh produce, dairy, seafood and meat. It’s a good thing there isn’t one in my town, I’d be broke. If you’re ever in Norwalk and looking for something to do, take a stroll through.

Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that they have reasonably priced lobster dinners, including corn and a drink at the restaurant out front. Get there early, it’s pretty popular and they tend to run out.