Earlier this afternoon a co-worker of mine sent around a link to a Craigslist ad posted by another former co-worker of ours. It was epic. On the unintentional hilarity scale it was a 12 out of 10.

One of my co-workers even blamed me for the ad, thinking I had written it. I guess I should take it as a compliment, although I don’t think I could ever be that clever.

Anyway, in the ad she mentions that she is looking for a meaty, lumberjack-type, so I decided — and I have no idea how I come up with these things — that it’d be funny to pen a fake response as if it was written by captured al Qadea leader Khalid Sheik Mohammed from his cell at Guantanamo Bay.

I’ve quoted the ad below, but if you don’t feel like doing all the scrolling, here’s a link. Click here.

Here’s the original ad from Craigslist:

I’m sick of going to bars and meeting guys. If you qualify and are interested send me a picture and a little about yourself. I’ll decide if you get a response and a picture because I’m sick of you and your gender disappointing me all the time. Also! If you know someone that meets these qualifications, I’d love to hear about them.

I promise you, I’m really not this “scorned”, I’m just in a state of being fed up and I refuse to believe there is not a fun educated man that likes to drink beers with perhaps a beard and a belly out there. And I don’t want to settle for the 3 guys that do call me that are pretty much the biggest losers ever. Also perhaps from my standards you can get an idea of the “great guys” I’ve had the pleasure of dating, it’s pretty funny.

Must have:
Transportation
College Degree (or within 1 year of graduation)
Sense of Humor
Goal Oriented
Belly
Job
Can support ones self – I’ll support me, can you support you?
Live within 20 miles of Royal Oak

CANNOT, and I repeat CANNOT:
Smoke Pot more than about 5 times a year (preferably not at all but it’s the millennium)
Do any other drugs
Be racist or a homophobe
Sound like a 9 year old girl
Be a vegetarian (unless, you are allergic to meat and it’s fatal)
Judge others for having money or not having money
Be so overweight that you are incapable of having sex. How do you know? Can you straddle you? Under 325?
Be divorced
An alcoholic – specifically but not limited to having bed/ closet wetting tendencies
Have anger management problems
Have had a boob reduction
Used to think he was gay
Ex or current addict to anything i.e. drugs, alcohol, work, hosiery fettish.

All of the below are negotiable:
Tattoos – cannot be of trailers… yes, trailers. If they are visible, they have to at least be badass. Nothing like… a trailer, a rat, a martini glass, a pumpkin, the word poop, etc. You may be laughing, but these bastards are out there.
Between the ages of 24-33
Living with parents, you better have a damn good reason.
Piercings

Perks:
I like beards (but nothing “sculpted”, your sideburns should not look like a Lazer Tag symbol)
Glasses

About me:

I am a 24 year old white female, shoulder length blond hair, green eyes, great skin, 5’8”, overweight and good eyebrows. I have a bachelors in Journalism and another bachelor in Communication. I worked at a software company for 2 years traveling the US and Canada. I recently left my job and Ann Arbor to live in Royal Oak, work at a Telecommunications company as a Project Manager and started Cosmetology School (aka beauty school/ hair school). I’m very goal oriented and if that threatens you in any way, good riddance Stranger!

Here’s my deal – I work/ go to school 13 hours a day M-F. I will make time for you, if I like you (keep that in mind for the future, I’m not too great with subtlety). I live with 3 guys. If you don’t think you can handle that, move on now. Also, I’m always surrounded by 6 guys at all times. And! I can tell you ahead of time that yes, I have a lot of guy friends, and yes, I’ve hooked up with some of them. But only because I haven’t found you yet!

Still reading? Great, read on!

Although everyone says this is a “neat quality” about me, I beg to differ. I was raised by 3 men and a mom who didn’t wear a bra. I quote movies like all your guy friends. And no, I don’t quote things like “The Notebook”. I quote movies like Caddyshack, Billy Madison, Anchorman, Tommy Boy, SuperBad, etc. You get the point. I don’t cry over ANYTHING unless I lose someone I love. I also talk like a “SuperFan” here and there. Don’t know what it is? Don’t bother asking, I’m not interested in you. I also call everyone I know Tiger or Baby. Could be annoying?

Socializing is my hobby. I know a shit-ton of people and I love going out and having fun. My friends range from the most smartest, elite, snobby people ever to broke ass, perverted, poor drunks.

FAQ: Why is it that you sound so amazing, yet you’re single and posting on Craigslist?

Well, I could stand to lose about 75 pounds and I’m always surrounded by 6 guys (like I said). For the past two years I was traveling every other two weeks to odd destinations and couldn’t keep up with dating. So now that I’m in ONE location I’d like to think that I have a better shot. Talk about being bound for a life of single – was never home and when I was, I was surrounded by 6 dudes. (I do have chick friends btw)

FAQ: Do you talk about marriage and babies all the time?

Marriage and babies sound great… However, I’m in absolutely NO RUSH to do either of those things. I’m open to suggestions and when it’s right, its right. I don’t care if it’s next year or 15 years from now. He just better be amazing.

FAQ: Are you looking for something serious? Committed? Exclusive?

Yes and No, If I think you’re amazing, you’re damn right I’m going to snap you up. If I think you seem like someone I could have the occasional dinner and make out with, so be it. I’ve never had a one night stand, and that’s not what I’m looking for. So anything from serious to occasional, but definitely not wham-bam-thank you ma’am.

And here’s my response:

From: khalidlovesamerica@hotmail.com

Hey Babe, (see what I did there? I’m funny, I made a Paul Bunyon joke. Not that I think you’re an ox or anything. Shit. Nevermind.)

I saw your ad on Craigslist and I’ve got to say, I was taken immediately with you. I think I may be the bearded, ax-swinging, flannel-clad man you’re looking for.

First, my name is Khalid, but I go by Kevin or KSM. I’m average height and a little overweight (but definitely agile enough for a roll in the hay.) Depending on the season, my location and who is chasing me, I’m always rockin’ a different form of facial hair. I’m a big, scruffy bear though, and I love to cuddle!

As far as schooling goes, I attended Chowan College, a small Baptist school in Murfreesboro, North Carolina, for a semester before transferring to the North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University and completing a degree in mechanical engineering. (source: Wikipedia)

From there, I did some freelance work overseas. Mostly tactical planning and whatnot (the details aren’t important, you may have read about them in the New York Times) before coming back to America at the behest of the Bush administration.

You mention that you worry guys may be threatened by the fact that you’re always surrounded by an entourage of dudes. That wouldn’t bother me a bit, so long as you don’t mind all the people who surround me. When I was overseas, it was, well, I wouldn’t call it a harem, but you get the idea. Nowadays, I’m hanging around with more dudes, but that’s not really by choice, if you know what I mean.

I saw that you mentioned you like the idea of marriage and kids, but aren’t ready just yet. That’s just fine with me, it’ll be a little while before I’m ready to get married too. I’m not exactly sure just how long yet, but I’ll know soon. In any case, once I’m ready to take that step, I’d really love to settle down with a nice, American woman and start a new life — legally, with a shiny, new visa — here in America.

So I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t make it through your whole ad (it was REALLY long and wordy), so I don’t know if you answered this already. But seriously, I’ve gotta ask, how is someone so awesome not already in a relationship? I mean, it seems like all the blonde, attractive, awesome girls have been scooped up? I’m looking for someone awesome. I think I’m pretty awesome. We could be awesome together. What’dya think?

Hopefully I will hear from you soon,

KSM.

P.S. I attached a recent picture from just before I came back from overseas.