Eastside pulls.
Brace yourself for the most depressing day of the year. Today supposedly is the day, according to psychologists, when Americans feel the most depressed. It’s about this time every year when the bills start rolling in from Christmas and we realize that, after three weeks, our New Year’s resolutions were just a bunch of bullshit. If you’re like me, and are actually feeling all right today, here’s a list of things to be depressed about (in no particular order):
1. Ukraine: Ukraine looks like it’s about to explode from all the political strife. Unless it calms down jiffy-quick, look for a new war in Europe to break out sometime soon. When Russia comes to the aid of one side, it’s only a matter of time before we come to the aid of the other.
2. Snow: Seriously, look outside, there’s like two freaking feet of snow on the ground. I hate the snow. I hate the way people drive in it and I especially hate how people say “We got a foot at my house, how much did you get at yours?” Like it’s some kind of fucking contest. Fuck the north, I’m moving to Alabama.
3. Members of the opposite sex: There’s no key to understanding someone unless you actually share the same chromosomal traits. Guys try to be nice to girls in the hopes of moving a relationship along and it often goes nowhere. Girls try to act interested in any number of ways and guys generally tend to be oblivious. If you’re in a happy relationship, hold onto it like an Ethiopian with a loaf of bread, because being single sucks.
4. Detroit sports: Last year’s Pistons championship was a perfect storm. A tough defensive squad gelling at the right time, a few key plays and two of the most dominant basketball players of their generation fighting to the point of forcing their team to melt down all came together to give us a banner in the rafters of the Palace. It’s more than likely not going to happen again this year, and with hockey out of business for the season, we’ve got nothing to cheer about in this town. The Lions suck and the Tigers couldn’t get any real free agents to come here (so much for the “Pudge effect.”) Get ready for another year of crying into your beer as your favorite sports team keeps the decades-long tradition of suckitude alive.
5. Ashlee Simpson: How the hell did this ridiculous excuse for a singer become a star? If you took Debbie Harry’s hair, Beaker from the Muppets face, Hillary Duff’s body, a Leprechaun (for his jig-dancing skills) and Rob from Milli Vanilli’s real voice and mixed it up, she is what would come out. By the way, how creepy is her dad? First he gives Jessica a wedding ring to wear on her ring finger as a promise to stay a virgin until she was married (he supposedly told her that it meant they were bound together until she found a husband.) Then he constantly talks about both of his daughters’ breasts. I know they’re from the south and all, but geez.
6. Eastside: I was convinced that him joining TESS was going to give him enough bad karma so that he’d never get any. That “nice guy” routine he tries to pull must have worked though, because that bastard is getting laid more often than you.
